Coaching practices for We're About to Sit Down to Hash This Out and I Can Already Feel Us Both Arriving Armed Each Braced to Win Our Version and I Don't Know How to Flip the Whole Thing From a Fight Into Us Building Something Together Before the First Volley Even Goes Out
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For We're About to Sit Down to Hash This Out and I Can Already Feel Us Both Arriving Armed Each Braced to Win Our Version and I Don't Know How to Flip the Whole Thing From a Fight Into Us Building Something Together Before the First Volley Even Goes Out, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- We’re about to sit down to hash this out and I can already feel us both arriving armed, each braced to win our version
- Every time we get into this it turns into my side versus theirs, two solutions dug in, and it never occurs to either of us that we might actually want the same thing underneath the fight.
- We keep fighting on ten fronts at once and it’s exhausting and goes nowhere
- I’m walking into this thing braced for a fight, certain that whatever they get is coming straight out of my pocket
- This disagreement feels total, like we’re on completely opposite sides of everything, and it’s gotten tense
Practices that may help
- Ask "Are you willing to find a solution better than either of us has thought of?"
Open the conversation with a single question that resets both parties from adversaries to co-creators.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Find mutual purpose
Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
Crucial Conversations, Made Practical - Find the crux: the one claim that, if changed, would change the conclusion
Locate the single empirical or value disagreement driving the whole dispute.
Productive Disagreement, Made Practical - Reject the fixed-pie assumption
Stop assuming your gain must be their loss — most negotiations have hidden joint gains.
Win-Win Thinking: Expanding the Pie - Map what you actually agree on before diving into the disagreement
Start by explicitly building the shared map before marking where it diverges.
Productive Disagreement, Made Practical - Collaborating (assertive and cooperative)
Work the underlying interests until you find a solution that genuinely meets both sides’ needs.
The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles - Move from blame to contribution
Ask how each side contributed to the situation instead of who is at fault.
Difficult Conversations, Made Practical - Build a shared "third story"
Open with a neutral framing both sides could accept, not your version of events.
Difficult Conversations, Made Practical - Use a pre-agreed pause protocol
Pre-negotiate how you will interrupt the cycle before it starts, not during it.
The Pursuer-Withdrawer Cycle, Explained - Write contingent contracts when forecasts disagree
If you and the other side have different predictions, let the outcome decide who was right.
Expanding the Pie: Negotiation Beyond Splitting the Difference
Related concerns
- When Interests Vs Positions Identify Compatible Interests
When both sides care about the same thing — quality, reputation, timing — agreements that serve that shared interest outperform splits.
Identify compatible interests for joint gain
- Adversarial Collaboration
Find someone whose genuine prior is the opposite of yours, and work together on the same evidence.
Invite an adversarial collaborator
- Cofounder Conflict
Work the underlying interests until you find a solution that genuinely meets both sides’ needs.
Collaborating (assertive and cooperative)
- Finding Common Ground
Finding real common ground accelerates liking more than surface-level agreement.
Surface genuine shared values and experiences early
- How Do I Find Common Ground With A Coworker Who Thinks Very Differently From Myself
Start by explicitly building the shared map before marking where it diverges.
Map what you actually agree on before diving into the disagreement
- How To Find Common Ground
Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
Find mutual purpose
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