Write their account in their own voice
Tell the story of the disagreement in the first person as the other person, using the words they would use.
Why it works
The second-person move is not imagining how you would feel in their place; it is adopting their point of view as theirs. Writing in their "I" forces you to supply their reasons, history and concerns rather than your summary of them. In laboratory experiments, instructed perspective-taking reduced stereotyping and in-group favoritism, partly by increasing the overlap people felt between themselves and the other person.
How to do it
- Write one paragraph that begins "I" — as the other person — describing what happened and why it matters to them.
- Use their vocabulary and their priorities, not your translation of them.
- Include one thing they would say about you that you would rather not hear.
- Mark every sentence you are guessing at. Those are the questions to ask them later.
Evidence
In three experiments, Galinsky and Moskowitz (2000) found that perspective-taking decreased stereotypic bias and in-group favoritism and increased overlap between representations of self and other. But imagining another’s view is not the same as knowing it: across 25 experiments, Eyal, Steffel and Epley (2018) found that instructions to adopt another’s perspective did not consistently improve accuracy about their thoughts and feelings, and if anything decreased it. (mechanistic)
Both studies are laboratory experiments, not tests of this writing exercise. The exercise can soften how you see the other person without making your picture of them more accurate — which is why it is paired with asking.
Sources
- Galinsky, A. D., & Moskowitz, G. B. (2000). Perspective-taking: Decreasing stereotype expression, stereotype accessibility, and in-group favoritism. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(4), 708–724. About this work
- Eyal, T., Steffel, M., & Epley, N. (2018). Perspective mistaking: Accurately understanding the mind of another requires getting perspective, not taking perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 114(4), 547–571.
Common mistake
Treating the paragraph as what they think. It is your best model of them, and the research on perspective-taking says that model is often wrong in ways that feel convincing.
Practice this with IX Coach
More practices for First, Second, Third and Fourth Person Perspectives
- Walk one conflict through four perspectives
Write the same disagreement four times — as you, as the other person, as a neutral observer, and as someone seeing how context shaped all three.
- Check your version of them by asking
Treat your picture of someone else’s view as a hypothesis, and get their perspective directly before acting on it.
- Write the observer’s account
Describe your own conflict the way a fair bystander who knows both of you would, using names instead of "I" and "they".
- Notice what shaped every account, including the neutral one
Ask how background, role, culture and setting shaped your view, their view and the observer’s view alike.
- Take their perspective without taking on their feelings
Separate understanding what someone thinks and wants from feeling what they feel, and use the first when you need to solve something together.
- Separate the well-mapped steps from the speculative ones
When you read about person perspectives, sort each claim by what kind of evidence stands behind it.
- Hear which perspective you speak from
Read back what you wrote or said about a situation and mark each sentence by the perspective it speaks from.
Related concepts
- Terri O’Fallon’s STAGES Model, Made Practical
Twelve stages built from three repeating questions, and how to work with the one you are in
- Kegan’s Subject-Object Theory, Made Practical
Moving from being run by your assumptions to being able to examine them
- Ken Wilber’s Integral Theory (AQAL), Made Practical
Five elements for catching what your view of a situation leaves out, held as a map rather than a truth
- Torbert’s Seven Action Logics of Leadership
Seven ways leaders make sense of pressure, how common each is, and how to work with your own
- Self-Distancing: Thinking Clearly About Your Own Problems
Solomon’s paradox, third-person self-talk, and the science of stepping back
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