Accept a subpersonality before you try to change it
Find the part of you that is rejecting another part, step back from both, and let the rejected one be there as it is.
Why it works
Vargiu argues that people reject parts of themselves because they fear acceptance will lock them in place, and that the reverse happens: a rejected subpersonality is cut off from the energy it needs, grows in a distorted, one-sided way and seeks attention indirectly through conflict. Acceptance, in his sense, is accepting the reality of the situation, not approving of it, and it is what makes change possible. The resistance is, in his words, invariably another subpersonality, so the move is to step back from the rejecting part into an observer's position, from which both can be accepted.
How to do it
- Name a part of yourself you would rather not have (the one who sulks, the one who wants to quit, the needy one).
- Notice the voice that rejects it. Vargiu says it is invariably another subpersonality.
- Step away from the rejecting part and take the attitude of an unbiased, objective observer.
- Experience and own the feelings the rejected part brings up. Vargiu writes that full recognition and acceptance "requires experiencing and owning those feelings."
- Optionally, and only with a trained guide: briefly take the rejected part's point of view, what Vargiu calls "becoming" it. Vargiu introduces it in his guided-daydream case, with an experienced guide, and also says that "very effective and fruitful work can be done on one's own." The restriction to a trained guide is this page's safety line.
Evidence
Acceptance is the second of the five phases in Vargiu's chapter on subpersonalities (Synthesis, Vol. I, 1974). The chapter describes the rejecting part, the observer stance and the "becoming" technique through case material, with the "becoming" technique presented inside guided daydream work. Assagioli's manual sets the larger aim of synthesizing subpersonalities without repressing any useful trait. It is a clinical account; no controlled study of this step was found. (anecdotal)
Accepting that a part exists is not the same as acting on it; a part that wants to hurt you or someone else needs outside support, not just acceptance. Taking a rejected part's point of view can bring up feelings that flood you or will not settle; if that happens, stop and continue with a trained therapist.
Sources
- Vargiu, J. (1974). Chapter in Synthesis, Vol. I: The Realization of the Self. The Synthesis Press, Redwood City, California. Reprinted on kennethsorensen.dk as "Subpersonalities and psychotherapy" (the editor added the subtitle and abstract).
- Assagioli, R. (1965). Psychosynthesis: A Manual of Principles and Techniques. Hobbs, Dorman.
Common mistake
Mistaking acceptance for giving in. Vargiu separates the two: accepting a part is accepting its reality, not submitting to the status quo. What it demands can still be refused while what it needs is looked for. His own words for that refusal: "Well, I can't really give you this, but is there something else I can give you instead?"
Practice this with IX Coach
More practices for Psychosynthesis: Subpersonalities, Disidentification and the Observing "I"
- Put the parts work down and come back to your body
Set the subpersonality work aside, feel your feet and breath, and let the observing part of you return before any part is asked anything else.
- Reach a person now when a part says you would be better off not here
A part that says you would be better off not here is a reason to call or text a person now, not a voice to bargain with alone.
- Say "there is in me a part that…" instead of "I am…"
When one part of you takes over, name it as something in you rather than all of you.
- Recognize your subpersonalities through the roles you play
Describe how you think, feel and behave in each of your main roles, and notice how different those people are.
- Let a subpersonality appear as an image, then name it
Pick one trait or motive, close your eyes, let an image of it arise on its own, then talk with it and give it a name.
- Find what a subpersonality needs, not just what it wants
Look past a part's demands to the need underneath, then look for an acceptable way to meet that need.
- Help two conflicting subpersonalities cooperate
From the observer's seat, let two opposed parts each state their need, then work out a shared arrangement.
- Train your will with small tasks that have no other purpose
Choose one small, ordinary task you would rather not do, and do it the same way each day for about a week.
Related concepts
- Shadow Work
Meeting the parts of yourself you have been ignoring
- Internal Family Systems (IFS), Made Practical
The parts model, the mechanisms behind it, and an honest read on an emerging evidence base
- Voice Dialogue: Meeting the Selves That Run Your Life
Hearing the pusher, the pleaser and the critic in their own voices, so they stop running you unnoticed
- Self-as-Context (Observing Self), Made Practical
Stepping back from self-stories to the perspective that is always already there
- Inner Relationship Focusing: Being With the Parts of You That Feel
Saying "something in me", keeping it company, and hearing what it does not want
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