Read the ulterior message and name the game
Notice when what is said and what is meant differ, and spot the familiar exchange that ends in the same bad feeling.
Why it works
Berne described ulterior transactions, which carry a social message on the surface and a psychological message underneath, and held that the outcome is decided by the hidden one. A game, in his sense, is a repeating series of such transactions that ends in a predictable payoff of bad feeling. In What Do You Say After You Say Hello? he summarised the sequence as a formula: a con, a gimmick that takes the bait, a series of responses, a switch, a moment of confusion and then the payoff. Recognising the opening move is what lets someone decline it.
How to do it
- Think of a conversation that ends in the same bad feeling every time, such as "Why don't you…? Yes, but…" where every suggestion is rejected.
- Write the words that were said, then underneath, the message that was meant (for example, "No one can help me").
- Find the switch: the moment the roles or tone suddenly changed, and the feeling you were left with afterwards.
- Next time you recognise the opening move, answer the surface question from the Adult, or name the pattern kindly, instead of taking the bait.
Evidence
Ulterior transactions and games are described in Games People Play, which catalogued games by name, and the game formula appears in What Do You Say After You Say Hello? Both are central TA texts. The idea that games follow these stages comes from clinical observation, not from experimental study. (clinical)
Game analysis is clinical interpretation; naming another person's "game" to their face usually feels like an accusation and can start a new one. The roles people take inside games are covered on the separate drama triangle page.
Sources
- Berne, E. (1964). Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. Grove Press.
- Berne, E. (1972). What Do You Say After You Say Hello? The Psychology of Human Destiny. Grove Press.
- Stewart, I., & Joines, V. (1987). TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis. Lifespace Publishing.
Common mistake
Using game names as weapons ("you're playing Yes, But again"). Berne's point was to notice your own part, since a game needs two players, and to stop supplying your move.
Practice this with IX Coach
More practices for Transactional Analysis: The Parent, Adult and Child in Every Conversation
- Recognise which ego state is speaking
Catch whether your words, tone and posture are coming from your Parent, your Adult or your Child.
- Draw your egogram
Sketch a bar chart of how much time you spend in each ego state, and see which one to grow.
- Diagram a complementary or crossed transaction
Draw the ego states behind each line of an exchange to see why it flowed or why it broke down.
- Cross a stuck exchange from the Adult
When the same parent-and-child exchange keeps going, answer from your Adult on purpose to change its course.
- Break one rule of the stroke economy
Ask for, accept or give the recognition you usually hold back, one rule at a time.
- Find your corner of the OK Corral
Place an encounter on Ernst's grid of I'm OK / You're OK to see how it ended and where it came from.
- Trace a script decision back to childhood
Find the early conclusion about yourself that a repeating pattern keeps obeying, and see that it was a decision.
Related concepts
- Shadow Work
Meeting the parts of yourself you have been ignoring
- The Karpman Drama Triangle: Persecutor, Rescuer, Victim and the Way Out
Seeing the blamer, the fixer and the helpless one in a conflict, and how each corner can be answered another way
- Internal Family Systems (IFS), Made Practical
The parts model, the mechanisms behind it, and an honest read on an emerging evidence base
- Schema Therapy: Healing Early Maladaptive Beliefs
Early maladaptive schemas, schema modes, and the practices that gradually heal them
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