Be somebody before you try to be nobody

Before chasing the dissolving of the self, check whether you have done the ordinary work of building one.

Why it works

Engler argued that a stable, continuous sense of self and the insight that the self is not solid are both necessary, and in that order: "you have to be somebody before you can be nobody." Teachings about letting go of the self can appeal most to the person who has not yet found out what they want or who they are, because dissolving can feel easier than building. Checking the order keeps waking up from being used to skip growing up.

How to do it

1. Write down what draws you to teachings about non-self, surrender or ego death. Be honest about any relief in it.
2. List the ordinary self-building tasks in your life right now: knowing what you want, keeping a commitment, holding a boundary, earning your way, sustaining a close relationship.
3. Mark any you have been hoping spiritual practice would make unnecessary.
4. Pick one of those and do it this month alongside your practice, not instead of it.
5. Notice whether the practice feels different when it is not being asked to replace the task.

Evidence

Engler (1984), writing as both a clinician and a meditation teacher, argued that a sense of self and insight into its insubstantiality are both necessary achievements, in that order, and that attempts to bypass identity formation through a spiritual effort to "annihilate the ego" have harmful consequences. Welwood (1984) made a related observation that people struggling with basic developmental tasks may find spiritual teachings that assume those tasks are done especially tempting. (anecdotal)

These are experienced practitioners’ observations, not tested findings, and Engler’s argument was developed partly from clinical work with severe difficulties of selfhood. Most people drawn to these teachings are not avoiding anything.

Sources

• Engler, J. (1984). Therapeutic aims in psychotherapy and meditation: Developmental stages in the representation of self. The Journal of Transpersonal Psychology, 16(1), 25–61.
• Welwood, J. (1984). Principles of inner work: Psychological and spiritual. The Journal of Transpersonal Psychology, 16(1), 63–73.

Common mistake

Hearing "be somebody first" as "postpone practice until your life is sorted." Engler’s point is about not using one to replace the other, not about waiting.

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