Talk across whole ways of seeing, not just positions

In a deep disagreement, try to understand the other person’s whole framework and let it question yours.

Por que funciona

Arguing over positions treats each person’s framework as fixed and the disagreement as a contest. Research drawing on Kegan describes people at the fifth order as experiencing the other as part of oneself and as working from a multisystem perspective. Treating a disagreement as two whole systems meeting — each showing the other what it cannot see — is how the theory pictures a self being transformed through relationship rather than only through private reflection.

Como fazer

1. Name the decision or issue you are arguing about, then set it aside for the moment.
2. Ask the other person what matters most to them in life generally, and how this issue touches it. Listen until you could explain their framework to someone who disagrees with it.
3. Explain your framework the same way, including what you think it might be missing.
4. Ask together: what does each of our ways of seeing make visible that the other one misses?
5. Return to the decision and look for a path neither framework would have produced alone.

Evidência

Bauger and Bongaardt (2018) describe the fifth order, citing Souvaine, Lahey and Kegan (1990) and Rosen (1991), as viewing the "other as part of oneself" and as embedded in a multisystem perspective. A review of Kegan and Lahey (2009) summarizes the self-transforming mind as stepping back from and reflecting on the limits of its own principles and beliefs. Turning that into a dialogue practice is an application; it has not been tested. (anecdotal)

This works only when both people are willing and roughly safe with each other; in a conflict with real power imbalance or harm, understanding the other’s framework is not the first need.

Fontes

• Bauger, L., & Bongaardt, R. (2018). Structural developmental psychology and health promotion in the third age. Health Promotion International, 33(4), 686–694.
• Kegan, R., & Lahey, L. L. (2009). Immunity to Change: How to Overcome It and Unlock the Potential in Yourself and Your Organization. Harvard Business Press.
• Govers, M. J. G. (2009). Immunity to change: how to overcome it and unlock the potential in yourself and your organization [Book review]. International Journal of Integrated Care, 9, e97.

Erro comum

Using the other person’s framework as material to win with — understanding it only well enough to rebut it. The practice asks you to let it question yours.