Coaching practices for Broaden and Build During Conflict
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Broaden and Build During Conflict, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- We solve the immediate thing but the same ugly dynamic underneath stays exactly the same, so the next disagreement plays out identically
- In the middle of a fight my partner will crack a small joke or soften their voice, and I read it as them not taking it seriously, so I shut it down
- This disagreement feels total, like we’re on completely opposite sides of everything, and it’s gotten tense
- Somewhere in this I stopped seeing a problem we both have and started seeing the other person AS the problem
- I’ve built up this villain version of the other person in my head
Practices that may help
- Broaden-and-Build, Made Practical
Barbara Fredrickson’s broaden-and-build theory proposes that positive emotions — joy, curiosity, love, gratitude, awe — temporarily broaden thought-action repertoires (making thinking more flexible and creative) and, over time, build durable psychological resources including resilience, social connection, and cognitive flexibility. The theory is supported by experimental evidence for the broadening effect; the longer-term building effects are primarily observational. - Transform the relationship, not just the issue
Use each conflict as an opportunity to raise the quality of the relationship itself.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Turn toward during conflict, not just during calm
Bids happen in the middle of arguments — recognizing them mid-fight changes everything.
Turning Toward: The Daily Practice That Builds Relationship Resilience - Map what you actually agree on before diving into the disagreement
Start by explicitly building the shared map before marking where it diverges.
Productive Disagreement, Made Practical - Separate the person from the problem
Treat the conflict as a problem you face together, not a contest you fight each other.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Take their perspective accurately
Build a precise model of how the situation looks from their side, not a caricature.
Tactical Empathy - Ask "Are you willing to find a solution better than either of us has thought of?"
Open the conversation with a single question that resets both parties from adversaries to co-creators.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Collaborating (assertive and cooperative)
Work the underlying interests until you find a solution that genuinely meets both sides’ needs.
The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles - Easy Manner: bring a light touch when appropriate
Use humor, lightness, and warmth to remind both of you that the relationship is bigger than this conflict.
GIVE: DBT’s Skill for Preserving Relationships During Difficult Conversations - Narrow the scope: a smaller problem space is a richer one
Restrict the problem to a specific user, use case, or scenario — the narrower the brief, the richer the possible solutions within it.
Deliberate Constraints, Made Practical
Related concerns
- Lateral Thinking During Conflict
Lateral thinking, coined by Edward de Bono, is a set of deliberate techniques for disrupting habitual thought patterns so that a problem can be approached from an unexpected angle. Unlike vertical (logical) thinking, which deepens the current line of reasoning, lateral thinking deliberately abandons it to find a new entry point. Evidence for specific techniques is largely observational and practitioner-reported; the underlying cognitive principle — that breaking pattern-lock enables novel solutions — has support in creativity research.
- Active Constructive Responding During Conflict
Shelly Gable’s research found that how partners respond to each other’s good news — not just how they handle bad news — predicts relationship quality. There are four response styles crossed on two axes (active vs passive, constructive vs destructive); only active-constructive responding, which is enthusiastic and engaged, reliably strengthens the bond. This "capitalization" work has a solid research base in relationship science.
- Cofounder Conflict
Work the underlying interests until you find a solution that genuinely meets both sides’ needs.
Collaborating (assertive and cooperative)
- Collaborative Problem Solving Ross Greene During Conflict
Ross Greene’s Collaborative Problem Solving model holds that kids with explosive behavior lack the cognitive skills to handle frustration and inflexibility — not the motivation. The approach replaces punitive consequences with structured adult–child conversations that build lagging skills over time. Randomized trials in clinical settings show significant reductions in explosive behavior, though most real-world evidence is clinical and observational.
- Common Ground In Conflict
Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
Find mutual purpose
- Conflict As Opportunity
Pursue your own position firmly when speed, principle, or stakes outweigh the relationship cost.
Competing (assertive, uncooperative)
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