Name what growing might cost you

Write down what you fear losing if your way of seeing changes, so the fear can be weighed instead of quietly deciding for you.

Pourquoi ça marche

Kegan’s The Evolving Self titles each of its stage chapters “The Growth and Loss of” a self — the socialized mind’s is “The Growth and Loss of the Interpersonal Self” — and his research group advises educators inviting development to “consider the potential costs as well as the gains.” When the self is made up by its relationships, growing beyond that can feel like losing one’s place. Naming the specific feared losses separates the ones with real evidence behind them from the ones that are forecasts, and lets you choose a pace instead of having the fear choose it.

Comment faire

1. Finish the sentence “If I keep changing how I see things, I’m afraid I’ll lose…” five times.
2. Mark each item R if you have real evidence it would happen, or F if it is a fear you have not tested.
3. For each R, ask what you could do to protect that relationship while still changing, and whether your current pace is one you can live with.
4. For one F, find a small, safe way to check it — for example, sharing one new view with the person you fear losing.

Données probantes

The chapter titles of The Evolving Self, including “The Growth and Loss of the Interpersonal Self” (pp. 184–220), are confirmed from the book’s published table of contents; the advice to weigh costs alongside gains comes from Kegan’s group (NCSALL, 2001). The sorting exercise is a reasoned application of that framing. (mechanistic)

The chapter titles show how Kegan frames development; what the chapter itself argues is not summarized here. The exercise has not been tested.

Sources

• Kegan, R. (1982). The Evolving Self: Problem and Process in Human Development. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
• Kegan, R., Broderick, M., Drago-Severson, E., Helsing, D., Popp, N., & Portnow, K. (2001). Toward a New Pluralism in ABE/ESOL Classrooms: Teaching to Multiple “Cultures of Mind.” Executive Summary, NCSALL Reports #19a. Harvard Graduate School of Education / National Center for the Study of Adult Learning and Literacy.

Erreur fréquente

Pretending there is no cost. Growing beyond the socialized mind can genuinely change relationships, and forcing past that tends to make the fear louder; naming the cost honestly is what lets you choose a pace you can live with.