Negotiate a role for each state instead of silencing one
Look for an arrangement in which each conflicting state has a place, at the right time.
Why it works
Helen Watkins describes ego state therapy as applying the techniques of group and family therapy to the states within one person, a kind of "internal diplomacy". Emmerson's handbook includes negotiating among ego states and encouraging states into alternate roles, and sets as a goal being able to be open at one time and assertive at another. The practice draws on that diplomacy, aiming to resolve conflict between states rather than silence one of them.
How to do it
- Take two states you have already heard from (for example, the cautious one and the bold one).
- Ask what each is trying to achieve for you, and when its way of working actually helps.
- Draft an arrangement: when the cautious state leads (checking the details, money decisions) and when the bold one does (first conversations, pitching ideas).
- Try it for a week and notice whether the old tug-of-war eases. Adjust the arrangement with both states in mind.
Evidence
Internal diplomacy and conflict resolution between states come from Helen Watkins's overview of the therapy; negotiation and alternate roles are named sections of Emmerson's handbook. The steps here are a simplified self-applied version of what the books describe a therapist doing, and they have not been tested. (anecdotal)
In the clinical method, states are reached under hypnosis with a therapist present, per the sources. On your own it works only with states you can already feel, and it is a planning exercise, not therapy.
Sources
- Watkins, H. H. (1993). Ego-state therapy: An overview. American Journal of Clinical Hypnosis, 35(4), 232-240.
- Emmerson, G. (2007). Ego State Therapy (first published 2003). Crown House Publishing.
- Watkins, J. G., & Watkins, H. H. (1997). Ego States: Theory and Therapy. W. W. Norton.
Common mistake
Calling it negotiation while really deciding in advance that one state must give in. If the arrangement only suits the state that already runs your life, the other state's concerns are still unheard.
Practice this with IX Coach
More practices for Ego State Therapy: The Different Selves You Shift Between
- Map the states you shift between in an ordinary week
List the distinct versions of yourself that show up in different settings, and what each is good at.
- Hear "part of me" as two states that disagree
When you catch yourself saying "part of me wants to", name both states and what each one wants.
- Notice what cues a younger, older-feeling state
Track the situations that bring forward a state whose reaction feels much older than the moment, without trying to dig into it alone.
- Give two disagreeing states a chair each
Let each of two conflicting states speak from its own seat, so they can hear each other.
- Write letters between two of your states
Let one state write to another, then let the other write back.
Related concepts
- Shadow Work
Meeting the parts of yourself you have been ignoring
- Internal Family Systems (IFS), Made Practical
The parts model, the mechanisms behind it, and an honest read on an emerging evidence base
- Voice Dialogue: Meeting the Selves That Run Your Life
Hearing the pusher, the pleaser and the critic in their own voices, so they stop running you unnoticed
- Transactional Analysis: The Parent, Adult and Child in Every Conversation
Hearing which part of you is talking, which part of them is answering, and why some conversations always end the same way
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