Coaching practices for We Both Keep Digging Into Our Positions and Neither of Us is Really Hearing Why the Other One Cares This Relationship and This Outcome Both Matter Enough That I Don't Want to Split the Difference I Want to Actually Solve it Together

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For We Both Keep Digging Into Our Positions and Neither of Us is Really Hearing Why the Other One Cares This Relationship and This Outcome Both Matter Enough That I Don't Want to Split the Difference I Want to Actually Solve it Together, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• We both keep digging into our positions and neither of us is really hearing why the other one cares
• Every time we get into this it turns into my side versus theirs, two solutions dug in, and it never occurs to either of us that we might actually want the same thing underneath the fight.
• We’re stuck head-to-head over a single number, both digging in on what we’re demanding, and I keep sensing that if I understood what’s actually driving their number
• We’re treating this like a fight when actually we both want the same outcome
• We have this one fight that never resolves, no matter how reasonably we try to settle it

Practices that may help

1. Collaborating (assertive and cooperative)
   Work the underlying interests until you find a solution that genuinely meets both sides’ needs.
   The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles
2. Find mutual purpose
   Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
   Crucial Conversations, Made Practical
3. Probe for interests, not positions
   Ask why the other side wants what they say they want before responding to what they say.
   Expanding the Pie: Negotiation Beyond Splitting the Difference
4. Identify compatible interests for joint gain
   When both sides care about the same thing — quality, reputation, timing — agreements that serve that shared interest outperform splits.
   Interests vs. Positions: The Core of Integrative Negotiation
5. Learn the dream inside your partner's position
   Behind every recurring argument is a personal dream or value; find and honor it.
   Love Maps: Knowing Your Partner's Inner World
6. Using values questions to deepen a conversation
   Ask "what matters most to you about this?" to surface values rather than surface preferences.
   Values Card Sort
7. Explore each other’s life dreams
   Ask what your partner’s cherished goals and aspirations are — not just their plans.
   The Shared Meaning System
8. Focus on interests, not positions
   Dig beneath what each side demands to why they want it — the interest, not the stance.
   Getting to Yes: Principled Negotiation
9. Focus on interests, not positions
   Ask why a position is taken — the underlying interest is almost always more negotiable than the stated demand.
   Principled Negotiation, Made Practical
10. Use Collaborating when the relationship and the solution both matter
    Collaborating — high assertive, high cooperative — finds a solution that genuinely works for both parties, but it takes time.
    The Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI)

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