Coaching practices for We're Both Dug Into Opposing Positions and Treating it Like One of Us Has to Lose but This is Someone I'll Keep Working with and the Outcome Genuinely Matters to Both of Us and I Sense There's a Solution That Gives Us Each What We Actually Need Underneath If We'd Stop Fighting Over the Surface Demands

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For We're Both Dug Into Opposing Positions and Treating it Like One of Us Has to Lose but This is Someone I'll Keep Working with and the Outcome Genuinely Matters to Both of Us and I Sense There's a Solution That Gives Us Each What We Actually Need Underneath If We'd Stop Fighting Over the Surface Demands, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• We both keep digging into our positions and neither of us is really hearing why the other one cares
• We’re both dug into opposing positions and treating it like one of us has to lose, but this is someone I’ll keep working with and the outcome genuinely matters to both of us
• Every time we get into this it turns into my side versus theirs, two solutions dug in, and it never occurs to either of us that we might actually want the same thing underneath the fight.
• We’re treating this like a fight when actually we both want the same outcome
• We have this one fight that never resolves, no matter how reasonably we try to settle it

Practices that may help

1. Collaborating (assertive and cooperative)
   Work the underlying interests until you find a solution that genuinely meets both sides’ needs.
   The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles
2. Use Collaborating when the relationship and the solution both matter
   Collaborating — high assertive, high cooperative — finds a solution that genuinely works for both parties, but it takes time.
   The Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI)
3. Find mutual purpose
   Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
   Crucial Conversations, Made Practical
4. Identify compatible interests for joint gain
   When both sides care about the same thing — quality, reputation, timing — agreements that serve that shared interest outperform splits.
   Interests vs. Positions: The Core of Integrative Negotiation
5. Learn the dream inside your partner's position
   Behind every recurring argument is a personal dream or value; find and honor it.
   Love Maps: Knowing Your Partner's Inner World
6. Separate the person from the problem
   Treat the conflict as a problem you face together, not a contest you fight each other.
   The Third Alternative, Made Practical
7. Probe for interests, not positions
   Ask why the other side wants what they say they want before responding to what they say.
   Expanding the Pie: Negotiation Beyond Splitting the Difference
8. Focus on interests, not positions
   Dig beneath what each side demands to why they want it — the interest, not the stance.
   Getting to Yes: Principled Negotiation
9. Transform the relationship, not just the issue
   Use each conflict as an opportunity to raise the quality of the relationship itself.
   The Third Alternative, Made Practical
10. Ask "Are you willing to find a solution better than either of us has thought of?"
    Open the conversation with a single question that resets both parties from adversaries to co-creators.
    The Third Alternative, Made Practical

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