Name the need they never met
Tell the person in the chair what you needed from them and did not get.
Warum es wirkt
Underneath the hurt and anger is usually a need: to be protected, seen, valued, comforted. In the Emotion-Focused Therapy model, expressing that need directly to the other, and asserting that it was legitimate, is a turning point: the person stops only protesting what happened and claims what they were entitled to. That shift from complaint to need is one of the features that most clearly separated people who resolved their unfinished business from those who did not.
So gehst du vor
- After saying the anger and the hurt, ask yourself: what did I need from you that I did not get?
- Say it to the chair in a plain sentence: "I needed you to ___."
- Add: "I deserved that." Notice what happens in your body as you say it.
- If the need feels too exposed to say, say that instead: "It is hard to even tell you I needed this."
Evidenz
In Greenberg and Malcolm's 2002 study of 26 clients in emotion-focused therapy with empty-chair dialogues, those who expressed previously unmet interpersonal needs to the significant other, and showed a shift in their view of the other, had significantly better outcomes, and this process predicted outcome better than the working alliance did. A 2026 systematic review describes asserting entitlement to unmet needs as central to the task. (observational)
The finding is correlational and comes from a small sample in therapy; it shows that expressing the need goes with resolution, not that saying it on cue produces it. Needs from early in life can bring up more than expected. If what comes up leaves you flooded, losing track of where you are, or with images that will not settle, stop and continue this work with a trained therapist.
Quellen
- Greenberg, L. S., & Malcolm, W. (2002). Resolving unfinished business: Relating process to outcome. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 70(2), 406-416.
- Ottingerová, L., Halamová, J., & Szitás, D. (2026). Experiential therapies including Chairwork: A systematic review of randomized controlled trials. Frontiers in Psychology, 16, 1692630.
- Elliott, R., Watson, J. C., Goldman, R. N., & Greenberg, L. S. (2004). Learning Emotion-Focused Therapy: The Process-Experiential Approach to Change. American Psychological Association.
Häufiger Fehler
Turning the need into another accusation ("You should have been there"). A need is about you and what you required; said that way, it tends to soften rather than harden the dialogue.
Übe das mit IX Coach
Weitere Übungen für The Empty Chair Technique: Finishing What Was Never Said
- Pause and come back to the room before going on
Stop the chair dialogue, open your eyes, and let your feet, breath and surroundings tell you that you are here, now.
- Stop doing this alone and reach a person
If the chair work leaves you flooded, unsafe, or with thoughts of not being here, reach a real person now.
- Notice the unfinished business
Recognise the relationship that still pulls at you, and name the feeling that never got resolved.
- Put the person in the empty chair and speak to them
Imagine the person in a chair facing you and talk to them directly, in the present tense.
- Say what was never said, anger and hurt separately
Let the old complaint become specific, and give the anger and the sadness each their own voice.
- Switch chairs and answer as them
Sit in their chair, become them for a few minutes, and answer what you just said.
- Let go: by understanding, forgiving or holding them accountable
End the dialogue by releasing the unmet expectation, whether that comes with forgiveness or not.
- Say what was left unsaid to someone who has died
When grief is stuck on something unsaid, use the chair to finally say it to the person who died.
- Choose the gentler route when facing them is too much
Know when to stop confronting the imagined person and explore the memories with a listener instead.
Verwandte Konzepte
- Schattenarbeit
Den Teilen von dir begegnen, die du bisher ignoriert hast
- Gestalt Therapy: Awareness, Ownership and Contact in the Here and Now
Noticing what you are doing right now, owning it in your own words, and finishing what keeps pulling at you
- Two-Chair Dialogue: Working With the Inner Critic and Other Inner Splits
Giving the critic and the criticized self each a chair, so the fight inside you becomes a conversation that can change
- Continuing Bonds in der Trauer, praktisch umgesetzt
Eine fortdauernde innere Beziehung zum Verstorbenen als gesunder Teil der Trauer