Let go: by understanding, forgiving or holding them accountable
End the dialogue by releasing the unmet expectation, whether that comes with forgiveness or not.
Why it works
In the Emotion-Focused Therapy model, resolution means letting go of the unresolved feelings and the hope that the past will be different. It can take one of several routes: coming to understand the other and forgiving them, or holding them accountable for the harm while still releasing the grip it has on you. Greenberg's forgiveness trial measured letting go and forgiveness as separate outcomes, which matters: letting go is the goal, and forgiveness is one way it can happen, not a requirement.
How to do it
- Towards the end, ask yourself: what am I still waiting for from this person?
- Say to the chair whichever is true: "I understand now why you...", "I forgive you for...", or "What you did was wrong, and I am holding you responsible for it."
- Then say what you are letting go of: "I am letting go of waiting for you to ___."
- Sit in your own chair for a minute afterwards and notice what is different, if anything.
Evidence
Greenberg, Warwar and Malcolm (2008) randomly assigned 46 clients with unresolved emotional injuries from a significant other to emotion-focused therapy using empty-chair dialogue or to a psychoeducation group; the empty-chair group improved significantly more on all measures of forgiveness and letting go, as well as on general distress and their main complaints, assessed through a 3-month follow-up. The training texts describe understanding, forgiving and holding the other accountable as routes to resolution. (rct)
The trial tested a course of therapist-led sessions, not a single ending ritual. Forcing a forgiveness you do not feel is not what the model describes, and letting go cannot be scheduled.
Sources
- Greenberg, L. S., Warwar, S. H., & Malcolm, W. M. (2008). Differential effects of emotion-focused therapy and psychoeducation in facilitating forgiveness and letting go of emotional injuries. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 55(2), 185-196.
- Elliott, R., Watson, J. C., Goldman, R. N., & Greenberg, L. S. (2004). Learning Emotion-Focused Therapy: The Process-Experiential Approach to Change. American Psychological Association.
- Ottingerová, L., Halamová, J., & Szitás, D. (2026). Experiential therapies including Chairwork: A systematic review of randomized controlled trials. Frontiers in Psychology, 16, 1692630.
Common mistake
Treating forgiveness as the only acceptable ending and pushing yourself into it. Holding someone accountable and letting go of the need for them to change is a complete resolution in this model.
Practice this with IX Coach
More practices for The Empty Chair Technique: Finishing What Was Never Said
- Pause and come back to the room before going on
Stop the chair dialogue, open your eyes, and let your feet, breath and surroundings tell you that you are here, now.
- Stop doing this alone and reach a person
If the chair work leaves you flooded, unsafe, or with thoughts of not being here, reach a real person now.
- Notice the unfinished business
Recognise the relationship that still pulls at you, and name the feeling that never got resolved.
- Put the person in the empty chair and speak to them
Imagine the person in a chair facing you and talk to them directly, in the present tense.
- Say what was never said, anger and hurt separately
Let the old complaint become specific, and give the anger and the sadness each their own voice.
- Name the need they never met
Tell the person in the chair what you needed from them and did not get.
- Switch chairs and answer as them
Sit in their chair, become them for a few minutes, and answer what you just said.
- Say what was left unsaid to someone who has died
When grief is stuck on something unsaid, use the chair to finally say it to the person who died.
- Choose the gentler route when facing them is too much
Know when to stop confronting the imagined person and explore the memories with a listener instead.
Related concepts
- Shadow Work
Meeting the parts of yourself you have been ignoring
- Gestalt Therapy: Awareness, Ownership and Contact in the Here and Now
Noticing what you are doing right now, owning it in your own words, and finishing what keeps pulling at you
- Two-Chair Dialogue: Working With the Inner Critic and Other Inner Splits
Giving the critic and the criticized self each a chair, so the fight inside you becomes a conversation that can change
- Continuing Bonds in Grief, Made Practical
Maintaining an ongoing inner relationship with the deceased as a healthy part of grief
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