Say what was left unsaid to someone who has died
When grief is stuck on something unsaid, use the chair to finally say it to the person who died.
Why it works
When the other person has died, the conversation that might have finished things is no longer possible, and grief can stay stuck around what was left unsaid. The empty-chair dialogue gives that conversation a place to happen: speaking to the person, saying goodbye, saying the anger or the love that never got said. It has been studied in grief, both as a group method and as part of brief emotion-focused therapy.
How to do it
- Picture the person in the chair as they were at a time you remember clearly.
- Tell them what you did not get to say: thanks, an apology, anger, love, or goodbye.
- If it feels right, move to their chair and let them answer.
- Close by telling them what you will keep of them and what you are ready to set down.
Evidence
A controlled trial with 119 women whose husbands had been killed or gone missing during the war in Bosnia and Herzegovina compared seven sessions of group dialogical exposure using the Gestalt empty chair with a supportive group; both groups improved, the empty-chair group more on some grief and avoidance measures, and gains held at one year. A 2026 study of brief emotion-focused therapy for grief that had stayed stuck, in 26 clients, found that emotional change during the empty-chair session predicted outcomes at follow-up. (observational)
The group trial assigned participants quasi-randomly, and its authors note the empty-chair group added little over the supportive group overall. If speaking to the person brings up images that will not settle, or you lose track of where you are, stop and continue with a grief therapist.
Sources
- Hagl, M., Powell, S., Rosner, R., & Butollo, W. (2015). Dialogical exposure with traumatically bereaved Bosnian women: Findings from a controlled trial. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 22(6), 604-618.
- DelaTraba, A., Jódar, R., Gamoneda, J., & Cunha, C. (2026). The best route to resolving complicated grief: Emotional sequences amplified by arousal. Psychotherapy, 63(2), 260-271.
Common mistake
Trying to do this in the first raw weeks of a loss, or forcing a goodbye before you are ready. The dialogue is for grief that has stayed stuck around something unsaid, not a test of how fast you can move on. If what you want is an ongoing way to stay connected to the person rather than to finish something, speaking or writing to them as part of a continuing bond fits better.
Practice this with IX Coach
More practices for The Empty Chair Technique: Finishing What Was Never Said
- Pause and come back to the room before going on
Stop the chair dialogue, open your eyes, and let your feet, breath and surroundings tell you that you are here, now.
- Stop doing this alone and reach a person
If the chair work leaves you flooded, unsafe, or with thoughts of not being here, reach a real person now.
- Notice the unfinished business
Recognise the relationship that still pulls at you, and name the feeling that never got resolved.
- Put the person in the empty chair and speak to them
Imagine the person in a chair facing you and talk to them directly, in the present tense.
- Say what was never said, anger and hurt separately
Let the old complaint become specific, and give the anger and the sadness each their own voice.
- Name the need they never met
Tell the person in the chair what you needed from them and did not get.
- Switch chairs and answer as them
Sit in their chair, become them for a few minutes, and answer what you just said.
- Let go: by understanding, forgiving or holding them accountable
End the dialogue by releasing the unmet expectation, whether that comes with forgiveness or not.
- Choose the gentler route when facing them is too much
Know when to stop confronting the imagined person and explore the memories with a listener instead.
Related concepts
- Shadow Work
Meeting the parts of yourself you have been ignoring
- Gestalt Therapy: Awareness, Ownership and Contact in the Here and Now
Noticing what you are doing right now, owning it in your own words, and finishing what keeps pulling at you
- Two-Chair Dialogue: Working With the Inner Critic and Other Inner Splits
Giving the critic and the criticized self each a chair, so the fight inside you becomes a conversation that can change
- Continuing Bonds in Grief, Made Practical
Maintaining an ongoing inner relationship with the deceased as a healthy part of grief
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