Notice the unfinished business
Recognise the relationship that still pulls at you, and name the feeling that never got resolved.
Why it works
In Emotion-Focused Therapy, the empty chair is not used for every difficult relationship; it is used when a specific marker appears: lingering, unresolved bad feelings toward a significant other that keep returning and colour present relationships. The idea of unfinished business comes from Gestalt therapy. Naming the person and the feeling precisely is what makes a focused dialogue possible; a vague sense of "family stuff" gives the dialogue nothing to speak to.
How to do it
- Ask yourself which person you still argue with, plead with or avoid in your head, even though the moment has passed.
- Write their name and one specific scene with them that still stings when you recall it.
- Write the feeling that comes up in one or two words (hurt, furious, abandoned, still waiting).
- Notice whether that feeling ever shows up in your present relationships, and write down where.
Evidence
The unfinished-business marker is described in the Emotion-Focused Therapy training texts and defines who the trials enrolled: Paivio and Greenberg's 1995 trial selected 34 clients with unresolved feelings related to a significant other. Recognising the marker is a clinical step in the protocol rather than something tested on its own. (clinical)
Naming the marker does not resolve it, and the trials studied people working with a therapist. Some relationships are better not revisited without support; see the practice on choosing a gentler route.
Sources
- Elliott, R., Watson, J. C., Goldman, R. N., & Greenberg, L. S. (2004). Learning Emotion-Focused Therapy: The Process-Experiential Approach to Change. American Psychological Association.
- Greenberg, L. S. (2002). Emotion-Focused Therapy: Coaching Clients to Work Through Their Feelings. American Psychological Association.
- Paivio, S. C., & Greenberg, L. S. (1995). Resolving "unfinished business": Efficacy of experiential therapy using empty-chair dialogue. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 63(3), 419-425.
- Perls, F., Hefferline, R. F., & Goodman, P. (1951). Gestalt Therapy: Excitement and Growth in the Human Personality. Julian Press.
Common mistake
Picking the relationship that is easiest to talk about rather than the one that still has charge. The useful target is the one you keep replaying, even if it feels small or embarrassing.
Practice this with IX Coach
More practices for The Empty Chair Technique: Finishing What Was Never Said
- Pause and come back to the room before going on
Stop the chair dialogue, open your eyes, and let your feet, breath and surroundings tell you that you are here, now.
- Stop doing this alone and reach a person
If the chair work leaves you flooded, unsafe, or with thoughts of not being here, reach a real person now.
- Put the person in the empty chair and speak to them
Imagine the person in a chair facing you and talk to them directly, in the present tense.
- Say what was never said, anger and hurt separately
Let the old complaint become specific, and give the anger and the sadness each their own voice.
- Name the need they never met
Tell the person in the chair what you needed from them and did not get.
- Switch chairs and answer as them
Sit in their chair, become them for a few minutes, and answer what you just said.
- Let go: by understanding, forgiving or holding them accountable
End the dialogue by releasing the unmet expectation, whether that comes with forgiveness or not.
- Say what was left unsaid to someone who has died
When grief is stuck on something unsaid, use the chair to finally say it to the person who died.
- Choose the gentler route when facing them is too much
Know when to stop confronting the imagined person and explore the memories with a listener instead.
Related concepts
- Shadow Work
Meeting the parts of yourself you have been ignoring
- Gestalt Therapy: Awareness, Ownership and Contact in the Here and Now
Noticing what you are doing right now, owning it in your own words, and finishing what keeps pulling at you
- Two-Chair Dialogue: Working With the Inner Critic and Other Inner Splits
Giving the critic and the criticized self each a chair, so the fight inside you becomes a conversation that can change
- Continuing Bonds in Grief, Made Practical
Maintaining an ongoing inner relationship with the deceased as a healthy part of grief
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